Curb Your Evangelicalism
Curb Your Evangelicalism
Episode 1: The Seat Dictator
When it comes to understanding the world of modern evangelicalism, it’s easy to quickly find yourself lost, confused, discouraged, or some depressing cocktail of all three. With that said, rather than adding to the chorus of voices excoriating the merits of partisan political associations and all manner of doctrinal capitulations, lately I’ve wondered whether caricature and satire might not be better-suited tools to cut through all the noise.
(Full disclosure: compared to what I normally produce here, this is almost definitely the weirdest article I’ve ever attempted. If this reads as total nonsense to you, no hard feelings. If you track with what’s going on here, I hope this brings a light-hearted chuckle to your day.1)
Finally: this post is probably best read while listening to music like this:
THE SCENE:
[Two friends, DAVE and RUSS, meet up for coffee at their neighborhood coffee shop, Keller’s.]
DAVE: …so then she says, “You can’t be serious! That’s like saying in order to save Hogwarts, you’re voting for Voldemort!” So I had to explain to her, “Yeah I know it sounds crazy, and I wouldn’t expect you to understand my reasoning, but I mean, come on,” (chuckles, points to self) “clearly, I know what I’m talking about.”
RUSS: And just think, if you weren’t out there explaining this stuff to everyone, people might get the wrong idea and think they ought to be supporting things they believe in rather than destroying them. It just wouldn't be right.
DAVE: Yeah, and again, (points to self) it’s me we’re talking about. I’m probably the nicest, most insightful person I know!
RUSS: (dryly) Don’t forget humble, too.
DAVE: (missing the sarcasm) Right? I mean, I get accused of being a “sellout” just because I write for a big news outlet and don’t take a hardline conservative stance on every issue. Or really any issue, now that I think about it. It’s like, since when did moderation become a bad thing?
RUSS: “Let your moderation be known unto all men.” It’s right there in Scripture for us. God commands it.2
DAVE: Exactly! And like I told her, my moderate-conservative views require me to be respectful of others and not force what I believe on anyone, which is why I’ve encouraged people over the last few years to wear a mask, stay home, avoid going to church, get vaccinated, get vaccinated again, admit their privilege, and love their neighbor by practicing unchecked empathy and never offending them no matter what. It’s that simple!
[The two men begin drinking their coffee. Suddenly, RUSS catches a whiff of a foul odor.]
RUSS: (disgusted) Oh, wow…what…what is that awful smell?
DAVE: Oh, that’s their Sweaty Socks blend. It’s part of the regular rotation of coffees they offer here now.
RUSS: (incredulous) It smells terrible!
DAVE: I agree. It’s too bad we can’t do anything about it.
RUSS: Why not?!
DAVE: Because the coffee shop did a patron poll last month and asked people to vote for what coffees they wanted to see in rotation. A bunch of kids voted for the Sweaty Socks blend just to be funny, and it ended up winning. So now every morning, by their own ordinance, they are required to put on a pot of Sweaty Socks blend. Nobody ever actually drinks it, unless they lose a bet or something. They just make it because of the poll results.
RUSS: I mean, couldn’t they just…stop making it?
DAVE: …I’m not following you.
RUSS: Well, why don’t they just stop making Sweaty Socks coffee and only brew coffee that smells good? Like, aren’t they losing meaningful business because of the smell? Wouldn’t backing out of the poll results still be better than everyone having to tolerate this for weeks on end, all for the sake of a few kids who don’t even care how it’s affecting others?
DAVE: (smiling sadly) Buddy, we can’t define victory by excluding our enemies from the coffee shop. Sweaty Socks coffee has to happen, even if it makes us want to do the technicolor yawn all over this shiny laminate floor. Look at it this way: the fact that people can come to a coffee shop everyone loves and force them to make smelly coffee that almost no one thinks is a good idea? That’s one of the blessings of liberty.
RUSS: It still smells terrible.
DAVE: (sips his coffee) It really does.
[In the background, we see the front door open and MEG enters the coffee shop. DAVE notices her before RUSS and, seeking to avoid the ire of her criticism, abruptly stands up to excuse himself.]
DAVE: (fumbling with his phone) I, ah, I just remembered I have to check in at work for something…I’ll be back…
RUSS: (realizing too late what’s happening) NO, no no no, don’t…(whispering) don’t you leave me here!
MEG: Well, if it isn’t the shepherd who’s been dodging my calls lately. Is today the day you finally go on the record and answer my questions? Oh, and I’ve got a deadline to meet and need a seat, is this booth next to you occupied?
RUSS: Meg, please. We’re just trying to have coffee and talk. Look, you scared poor Dave away just by walking in the door. Neither of us wants to debate with you. Maybe some other time.
MEG: (laughing) I’m not holding my breath. And of course you don’t want to debate with me, because you know you’d lose!
RUSS: (exhausted) Look, let’s just agree to be civil while we’re here. There’s usually plenty of empty seats over on the right, can’t you just sit over there?
MEG: You and I both know the WiFi connection is better on the left. Plus all the electrical outlets are on this one wall. Not sure whose bright idea that was.
RUSS: Well, I’m pretty sure all the seats on this side are taken anyway. Say, isn’t that a spot over there next to Josh and Timon?
MEG: (annoyed) You know what you are? You’re a seat dictator!
RUSS: (incredulous) What?! I am not!
MEG: You are! You’re trying to steer who sits at which table, just so you can keep the good seat. That way you never have to be bothered by people you don’t want to talk to. See, I just saw through the whole charade!
RUSS: (impatient) That is ridiculous and you know it. I was just suggesting an open seat, conveniently located, you know, very far away from me. Is that so wrong?
MEG: You’re not gonna nuance your way out of this one, pal. (Checks her watch) Ugh, I’ve gotta get moving. (squints) I’m watching you, seat dictator.
[MEG walks away to find someplace to plug in her laptop. A moment later, DAVE returns.]
DAVE: (looking around) Is she gone?
RUSS: Hey, thanks for nothing! You were absolutely no help there!
DAVE: I couldn’t do it, man. She’s like a puma when she gets like that, and right now I’ve got most people convinced I’m a still conservative. If she corners me and forces me to answer her questions, I can kiss those cushy MSNBC spots goodbye.
RUSS: So now you’re just hiding from your problems?
DAVE: I prefer to think of it as strategic delays brimming with intention.
RUSS: Of course you do.
[Suddenly, WILSON, Russ’s neighbor and the guys’ nemesis, enters the coffee shop. As he approaches the table, Russ can hardly suppress a scowl.]
RUSS: (with mock sincerity) Hello, Wilson.
WILSON: (smirking) Hello boys. Fancy seeing you here.
RUSS: What do you want, Wilson?
WILSON: Oh, I just happened to be walking by and thought you’d be interested in a theological epiphany I had this morning while milking a goat and debating the finer points of predestination with a statue of John Knox. It occurred to me that if we truly want to honor the Reformation, we must embrace the profound theological implications of artisanal cheese. You see, cheese is a miracle of providence—a daily reminder that the Lord works through the most humble of curds!
DAVE: (staring blankly) …what?
WILSON: I understand your perplexity, Dave. I expected it, actually. By the way, how go the efforts to heterodox the faith and destabilize the nation? Still going strong, I take it?
DAVE: You know, why don’t you go light something on fire?
WILSON: That’s not til November.
DAVE: Whatever.
WILSON: You know, despite our many disagreements, I sincerely hope one day we can find a way to make peace with our differences. It pains me for us to interact like this when we’re called to the unity of one body.
RUSS: Wilson, you called me spineless twice before lunch yesterday.
WILSON: (shrugs) Suit yourself. You’re both welcome to come visit us any time if you ever want to see what a real church looks like. As for me, John Knox’s statue awaits. Until next time!
[WILSON departs, chuckling to himself as he makes his way out the door.]
RUSS: (sigh) Remind me why we keep coming here again?
DAVE: They still give me the military discount.
[End.]
Disclaimer: The characters depicted in this essay are a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any real persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. Let the reader understand.
To be clear, this is in fact an actual Bible verse (Philippians 4:5, KJV), I’m just using the outdated phrasing from the translation to play it for laughs. For context, the NIV translates this Greek word as “reasonableness,” which has more to do with intellectual fairness than the way we typically use “moderation” today. Okay, back to the fun stuff.